by Steve Deysher
There was a trial in my life that lasted a long time. I became full of self-pity and bitterness. I was really angry at God, and trusting God was quite challenging for me. You see, I thought I was in control of my life.
My story … I was born October 8, 1954. I was blessed to be raised on our fourth-generation family dairy farm in Kempton, Pennsylvania. Our family worshipped at New Bethel Lutheran Church. In 1972 I went away to college and started running with a different crowd. One thing led to another, and I got my girlfriend pregnant. It was 1975, and the Roe v. Wade decision had been made two years earlier. We were told abortion was a safe, simple, legal medical procedure. We were told it’s just a mass of cells, just a fertilized egg, and that life really doesn’t start until birth.
There was an abortion—such relief. That was the first stage. But the relief started to wear off and denial began. Guilt started to set in. “Why didn’t you, a father, protect your child? Why didn’t you speak up?” I kept telling myself it wasn’t a baby.
Around 1980 I started to move out of denial, but my anger was increasing. My girlfriend was now my first wife. I asked, “God, why didn’t you stop me from agreeing with the decision to have an abortion?” There was pain. Anger was affecting every relationship I had—including with God. I tried to become a “super husband” to cope with the situation. I had to prove my worth. I worked long hours helping to build a grocery business, eventually becoming a partner and vice president. I made lots of money and worked way too many hours. I was keeping myself busy so I wouldn’t have to deal with the truth about the abortion and my part in the killing of my child.
Often, I would pray and confess to God my part in the abortion only then to be unable to forgive myself. I would then pick my sin back up from the foot of the cross and carry my sin on my back, without Christ’s help. “I’ll never get to heaven; I’ve committed an unforgivable sin.” My anxiety increased. My depression worsened. I was unconsciously punishing myself and denying myself many things because I felt I didn’t deserve them. I was accident prone, not taking proper care of myself. I lost my business and got divorced. Driving alone one night for hours, for I didn’t know where to go, I fell asleep and hit a telephone pole. I wasn’t wearing a seat belt. I flew out of my seat, sheared off the rear-view mirror, and almost broke out through the windshield. I was taken via ambulance to Lehigh Valley Hospital Center. When I woke up the next morning I prayed, thankful that while I was sore, swollen, bruised, and had many stiches, there were no broken bones, no internal bleeding.
Shortly after the driving accident, I met a special woman. I found a job, we got married, and children were born. In a few short years, I was again a business executive and partner in a business. My pride was overflowing, but now, in addition to trying to be a “super husband” to my second wife, I tried to be a “super dad” to my children. I would work at my job and at home at two speeds: “fast and damn fast.” The good deeds I was doing were me trying to earn my way back into God’s favor. Inside, my mind kept telling me, “I am a condemned man. I have committed an unforgivable sin. I’ll never get to heaven.” The guilt, the pain, kept increasing. My thoughts were scaring me, thoughts of suicide.
It was now 2016. “God, how old would my baby, my son or my daughter, be today?” What would he or she look like today? Would my child have black hair and brown eyes like me, or would my child have blonde hair and blue eyes like his or her mother?
At the 2018 Association of Free Lutheran Congregations (AFLC) conference in Dickinson, North Dakota, Lutherans For Life had a booth. Rev. Michael W. Salemink gave several talks on abortion. That night I was in tears, finally crying and grieving for my child. Shortly thereafter, I was able to talk to my pastor about the abortion.
I ran to the Bible, the Word of God, for help. Jesus talked to me through the Bible. God is great! Christ is a most Wonderful Counselor! The healing was there all the time. God gave me the strength to confess my sin to Him and talk to others about the abortion. A 42-year trial came to an end. I now had hope!
“Blessed is the one whose transgression is forgiven, whose sin is covered. Blessed is the man against whom the Lord counts no iniquity, and in whose spirit there is no deceit” (Psalm 32:1-2).
Forgiveness brought me true joy. When I asked God to forgive my sin and trusted Him to do it and finally forgave myself, I found true peace and relief from my guilt. Guilt had been having its way with me. Jesus specializes in guilt removal.
“There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus” (Romans 8:1).
Through Jesus, God solved the mess I made with my life. I received grace for all my sins as a gift from God. I can’t earn it, and once I receive it, I can’t lose it! After the abortion, it was hard to imagine that God could ever forgive me. Shame and regret and the devil had twisted my road to God’s grace. Can’t face tomorrow? Can’t forgive your past? Christ promises to forgive if you confess. God keeps His promises.
“Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies and God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our affliction, so that we may be able to comfort those who are in any affliction, with the comfort with which we ourselves are comforted by God. For as we share abundantly in Christ’s sufferings, so through Christ we share abundantly in comfort too” (2 Corinthians 1:3-5).