When we think about men and abortion, many times we only hear about the stereotypical man who forces a woman to have an abortion, or who ends up abandoning his expecting girlfriend or wife. However, there are many roles men play in the abortion experience.
At Word of Hope we receive calls weekly from men who are desperately trying to prevent their girlfriend or wife from aborting. They are adamantly opposed to the procedure and are calling because they are trying to stop the abortion. They have begged their girlfriend to let them raise the child, or even to marry them. The man longs for fatherhood, and is excited about becoming a father. Many mention going to court to try to prevent the abortion.
These men call overwhelmed and desperate. It is hard for them to separate the feelings they are experiencing. These feelings can include sadness, grief, anger, and a sense that they can’t protect their partner or their child. Many of these men say they have made repeated calls to their girlfriend or wife trying to understand why they think this is the right decision. Many women are being pressured by other sources including mothers, friends or people they feel they can trust. We encourage the man to speak his heart to his partner. He may not be able to change the outcome, but his recovery will be easier if he honestly speaks his mind and heart and does everything he can to help stop the abortion.
Another call we receive is from men who first support the abortion but then change their minds. Most of the time, their partner still goes on to have the abortion. These men hold themselves responsible in a way because at first they agreed. This seems to happen more often within marriages. This then can become an issue in their relationship that interferes with basic trust and can interfere with intimacy. When a couple cannot trust each other anymore it takes a great deal of counseling and mutual forgiveness before the couple can begin to heal. Sadly about 75 percent of these relationships end within five years following the abortion.
Then, there are the men who are not told about the abortion until after it occurred. These men may react with confusion because their partner did not discuss this matter with them. He experiences many conflicting emotions, wrestling with their relationship and his lack of trust. It’s even possible that he might not find out until years later.
Coleman and Nelson (1998) surveyed college students and found that of those with a prior history of abortion, 51.6 percent of the male students reported feeling regret following the abortion. These authors suggested that men may “be more inclined to experience pronounced post-abortive effects than women, because the decision to abort is ultimately the females and the final decision opted for may not be congruent with the male’s choice.”
Who are these men? If we know who they are, we can better reach them. Many profess to be Christians, so they are in our churches. (In the Coleman and Nelson study 142 men responded).
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45 percent of men said their partner chose to abort against their wishes
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67 percent were between the age of 20 and 39 years old (average age 31)
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57 percent were single
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20 percent were married
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30 percent had technical training/Associate Degree
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64 percent Christian
At Word of Hope we have found that no message better heals men struggling with abortion than the message of grace and forgiveness found in Christ’s death on the cross and His resurrection from the grave. When these men call us seeking help, it is our goal that they leave Word of Hope with an understanding of Christ’s forgiveness that knows no bounds.
Though professional counseling may be needed, any member of a church can share this forgiving message with a man hurt by abortion. The disciple John shared this message with the world in 1 John 1:9 saying, “God is faithful and reliable. If we confess our sins, he forgives them and cleanses us from everything we’ve done wrong” GOD’S WORD. These are the most powerful Words of Hope.