All eyes turn toward the bride and her father who make their way
down the aisle. His hand is wrapped protectively around his
daughter’s hand as he leads her forward. With love in her eyes, the
bride turns her gaze from her dad to a beaming young man. The father
lifts his daughter’s veil, kisses her cheek, then takes her hand and
places it in the hand of her soon-to-be-husband.
Do we really know the significance of what’s taking place? Do we
know that the father is his daughter’s protector and "hero"? Do we
know that, in this wedding ceremony, the father is literally placing
his daughter into the loving protection of her husband? Do we know
that the bridal veil symbolizes modesty and that, by lifting the
veil of his daughter, the father is revealing his daughter’s virtue
and entrusting it to the man who has promised to be her faithful
husband?
But, what if there is no father? What if there is no father-figure—a
grandfather, uncle, or older brother—who has provided the veil of
protective covering over a young woman? What if there is no father
or father role model who has provided appropriate affection while
guarding her virtue?
Far too many of these young girls long for affection, beg for
attention, and, yes, look for love in all the wrong places.
Dr. Meg Meeker, author of Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10
Secrets Every Father Should Know (Regnery Publishing), is
convinced that the fundamental relationship between a girl and her
dad can affect all areas of her life. In fact, says Dr. Meeker, who
knows how truly vulnerable young women are in today’s culture, the
way a father treats his daughter can determine how she will relate
to men during the remainder of her life. Young women need the
covering of strong, involved dads.
Here are excerpts from an interview Carrie Gress did recently with
Dr. Meeker, with added commentary of my own.
Gress: A father is a daughter’s best ally seems to be the
consensus of your book . . . [W]hat is the unique offering of a
father to a daughter that a mother cannot offer, especially in her
relationship to God?
Meeker: [A] father is a daughter’s great ally, which today is
not only overlooked, but is directly attacked. If you look at the
typical sitcom, the father is portrayed as someone who is comical,
humorous and just plain dumb, and as though he has something to
learn from his daughter.
Research shows that a father’s influence builds up self-esteem,
helps his daughter to avoid sex, drugs, alcohol, and stay in college
. . . a father carries an authority in his daughter’s eyes. This
authority is not ascribed to the mother, not that she is not
important, but a father’s influence is different.
When a girl is little, her dad is her primary male love
relationship. When he gives her something as a man, she learns
lessons about men, setting a template in those early years on her
heart about what to expect, to think, to feel, and know about men
from there on out, affecting even her relationship to God, because
Christ is a man.
Bartlett: Our gracious and loving God is also our Heavenly
Father! After sin entered the world, He provided the protective
covering of patriarchy. A father, as the head of the family, is not
to "lord over" wife and family. Instead, with Jesus as his model, a
father can seek to guard his family by serving them unselfishly,
doing battle against evil, and leading to a future of hope.
A modern girl is at risk emotionally, physically, and
psychologically by the influences of an off-track feminist movement,
sex education beginning at an early age, an emphasis on being
"sexy," so-called "reproductive" rights, and a welfare state that
discourages the commitment of marriage.
Even in a culture that has turned its back on God and, thus, lost
appreciation for patriarchy, exciting opportunities exist. A father
can squelch the ridiculous notion that "equal" means "being the
same" by helping a daughter understand the created, yet
complimentary differences between male and female. A father can
explain to his daughter how men think and why modesty in dress and
behavior is a good thing. A father’s interest and appropriate
affection can help a daughter grow confidence and take the time to
discern agape love from worldly love.
Gress: What are the specific characteristics of a dad that help
daughters in their development?
Meeker: One of the big ones is a sense of protectiveness. It is
intuitive in a dad’s heart to protect and guard a daughter. Our
culture, however, has been training men not to do that because
gender neutrality has become such a big deal.
The reason this is very important is because, particularly in the
area of sexuality, dad has an enormous role. Girls are under sexual
siege, with aggressive marketing, especially in clothing, from the
age of 6 on. If a father, feeling protective, says, "I don’t want my
daughter going to school in a jog bra," and mom says, "No, this is
the way girls dress," a father needs to trust his judgment.
Sometimes his intuition is better on this one.
Another is that dads in general tend to be very pragmatic and
solution-oriented, discovering first what the problem is, and then
how to get to the solution. Sometimes women are insulted, because we
think differently, but this difference is wonderful. A man says,
"Now, what’s the problem? What can we do?" This pragmatism can serve
a daughter well in teen years.
For example, perhaps a boyfriend has broken up with her. A girl will
feel sad, think she is too fat, too stupid—all kinds of things get
added to the frustration in her own mind. But dad compartmentalizes,
"What’s the problem? What can we do to solve it? Just because he
broke up with you, doesn’t mean all these other things are true."
However, the most important thing a father can do is live a life of
integrity—living truthfully. A daughter, within 15 seconds, can tell
if her father is in a bad mood, good mood, telling the truth or not,
etc. Those fathers who don’t live truthfully do a great disservice
because a daughter doesn’t believe in him, doesn’t trust him. Dads
think they need to earn heroism, but they really don’t. The role of
a hero is just given to him until proven otherwise. Most dads don’t
know this.
Bartlett: Dads don’t realize they are heroes because this
concept has either never been passed on to them by their own father,
or they have ignored or forgotten God’s Word that mightily reminds
them of their powerful role. Either way, they are left ill-equipped
to battle the culture that beats up on them and tries to destroy
their confidence. There is a Man, however, who forgives and then
faithfully encourages every human father to try—over and over again,
to be the man God designed him to be. That Man is Jesus Christ.
Gress: You say there is a clear connection between depression in
girls and young women and sexual activity. How can a father’s love
help protect against this in our sexually saturated culture?
Meeker: Depression in girls is all about ungrieved losses
accumulated in the heart. This connection can be backed up with
medical data . . . When girls approach sexuality, a huge emotional
component is involved. When a girl is sexually active once, and it
doesn’t matter if it is oral sex or intercourse, she incurs a loss.
In the physical act, she has lost something in her heart, her
virginity, her respect for herself. When girls feel this, if they
don’t acknowledge that they are hurt and that something has happened
to them, then they will live with unresolved grief, which leads to
depression.
. . . [I]f a young person has a bad sexual experience . . . [boy or
girl may] immediately think they did something wrong—not, "Maybe I
shouldn’t be doing this." In order to correct this "wrong," they
will try to make up for it in some other experience, which leads to
a downward spiral of messy relationships, physical risk, and
emotional damage.
Ironically, while our culture is now immunizing girls against
sexually transmitted diseases (STDs), we endlessly market sex to
them, paying little attention to all of the layers of risk. This . .
. would never happen with cigarettes or alcohol, where we would give
kids an immunization against lung cancer yet promote smoking. This
problem is missed . . . because sexual freedom has come to be seen
as a right.
Bartlett: The modern feminist movement, presuming to lead young
women toward greater freedom, actually helped lead women into a
state of unhappiness. As some have confessed to me, they were
actually taught to live as irresponsibly as irresponsible men. But,
the Father God does not abandon the depressed, unloved, or unhappy
woman or man. Jesus Christ, God who came to earth, experienced the
feelings and emotions of humanity. He knows the best plan for our
lives. He knows our design. He knows our deepest needs. He offers
His hand to lead us out of despair and toward a future of hope.
Gress: You suggest the importance of raising a daughter with
humility, emphasizing that she should see the world like a pioneer,
asking, "What can I do for others," instead of like a princess who
lives with a sense of entitlement. How can this contribute to her
long-term happiness?
Meeker: . . . Parents just want their kids to be happy, but they
perceive incorrectly that it comes from receiving pleasure, so when
children receive, receive, receive, happiness does not come . . .
Despite our material wealth, depression rates have never been so
high. Clearly we are missing something. Parents have been duped.
What works is when we teach kids to serve, to look beyond
themselves. Real joy and happiness comes when kids understand that
they have a purpose in life, and a mission to fulfill. The only way
to get them to understand this is to look beyond self and doing good
for others.
This is the source of real transformation, but this can’t happen
without humility, the opposite of which is pride. When parents
instill humility, a kid understands that he or she is important, and
loveable, but not separate from others in their humanity. If a kid
really wants to feel good about himself, humility brings people
closer, whereas pride separates.
Bartlett: Children who grow up knowing that they are handmade by
the God who sacrificed for them are boys and girls who will know why
to respect themselves and others. They will learn to be kind to
others and patiently anticipate good things in proper time. A girl
may better understand, for example, that even though she longs for a
boy’s attention, her thoughtfulness and humility will lead her to
refrain from wearing "sexy" clothing or calling attention to herself
with provocative behavior.
Gress: There is repeated mention in the book that a father
should do all he can to keep a family together. Why is this so
important, and what can men do to care for their daughters if they
find themselves divorced or widowed?
Meeker: . . . [A]s a culture [we] have failed to teach boys to
live courageously, which means to live with profound discomfort. In
not being taught how to live, men have been failed.
All the psychology, pediatric, and medical literature says divorce
is at the top of the list of putting kids at risk for all high-risk
behaviors. It is an enormous factor in kids’ emotional, mental, and
physical health. My job is to try to help fathers stick it out with
difficult wives until their daughters are older. The longer they can
wait, the better it is for kids. Kids need full cognitive skills to
cope with the trauma of divorce, and men need to call upon courage
to gut it out.
A father who is separated from his daughter must maintain as strong
a connection as possible, which means big phone bills, letters,
pressing his way into her life in a gentle but firm manner. Stick
with her over the long haul. Even when the daughter pulls back, the
father has to be the grown-up. If you get your feelings hurt, forget
it, it’s not about you. Don’t take it personally, maintain your
integrity and rely on God to give you the strength to persevere.
And angry mothers need to know that you can divorce your daughter’s
father, but she can’t. She has emotional needs, no matter what
damage has been done. Give her the right to have a relationship with
her dad.
Bartlett: There is always hope! Even when earthly fathers fail,
the Heavenly Father remains faithful. Even when earthly fathers
despair and disappoint not only their children but themselves, the
Perfect Man, Jesus Christ, remains the constant source of
forgiveness and new life.
So, when you watch a father walk his daughter forward to meet her
groom, when you see him place her hand in the hand of her young man,
and you see the love in her eyes gaze first at dad and then turn to
her husband—think on all these things.
(Interview excerpts from Zenit.org, 2/25/07.
Used by permission.)