Abortion's Impact on the Familiy

From LifeDate - Spring 2005.

Abortion’s Impact on the Family

by Grace Kern, Director of Word of Hope

Abortion impacts not only the woman involved, it impacts families. At Word of Hope we know how important it is to work with couples and their families.

When a child is torn from its mother’s womb it triggers a tragic chain of events. God created women to be a giver of life—not to take life away. Abortion can never take away the fact that you were pregnant, and that there was a baby in your womb. There is a nagging emptiness that only God can fill.

Sandy was 28 years old when she and her husband sought counsel from Word of Hope. They had two children, ages seven and three. While Sandy was dating Mark in college, they had two abortions at Mark’s insistence. She said she was afraid Mark would leave her if she didn’t have the abortions. At first Sandy was happy that Mark married her. However, even after seven years of marriage and two more children, all she feels is anger and rage toward Mark. She was also feeling depressed and lacked motivation. She vividly relived the abortions through intrusive thoughts and nightmares. When she saw a baby it reminded her of her lost children. She lashed out in rage toward her husband and their oldest daughter. She felt her husband chose to love these two children, why hadn’t he felt this way about their first two? She was having trouble forming a nurturing and loving relationship with her children. She felt undeserving of their love. Sandy decided she needed to move out of their home because she was a bad mother and felt her children and husband were better off without her. After Sandy left, Mark contacted Word of Hope in search of help.

What happens in a marriage after abortion? The couple’s child died. A human life was taken. As in all cases involving the death of a child, the couple must eventually come to terms with their loss. Abortion grief is very much like any other grief, except that in an abortion situation the couple feels responsible for the death. Because of this, they don’t know how to grieve. Yet grieving is the first step to healing. In Sandy and Mark’s case after they left the abortion clinic they never spoke a word to each other about the abortion. They had stuffed it away and neither knew they were both haunted by guilt and extreme sadness. They had gone through life pretending the abortions never happened. Sandy and Mark needed to break their denial.

Abortion is a serious wound in a marriage. It leaves a tremendous scar. The wound is painful and, left unattended, it will only get worse. In order for healing to come, the couple has to fully grasp what they have done, and accept God’s love and forgiveness. That also includes forgiving each other.

Mark and Sandy had the abortions based on the premise that they could continue their lives as if nothing ever happened. After reality set in, they were both drowning in a sea of guilt and shame, believing that there must be something wrong with them or else they wouldn’t be feeling this way. When these emotions arise, it is a signal that something needs to be taken care of spiritually. Through spiritual counseling they learned new ways to respond to their guilt and sorrow. They accepted the abortions as part of their past. They no longer dwell on the painful memories or try to hide them from each other. They have learned to express their emotions in grieving and are no longer consumed by them. They have forgiven each other and have accepted God’s forgiveness. The Lord has filled their life with peace and their family is now leading the life God intended for them.

“I am He who blots out your transgressions, for my own sake, and remembers your sins no more” (Isaiah 43:25).