Courageous Decision

From LifeDate - Winter 2004.

The Courageous Decision

by Mark McDougal

When you see the joy and jubilation surrounding a family completed or blessed by the adoption of a new child, do you wonder about the birth mother? Why did she give up the joy of motherhood? How could she do it? Should she have done it? And what power is operative in a woman who chooses to place her child for adoption? When a mother makes this choice, she goes against the grain of her created nature—that God-given instinct, desire, and enabling to care for a new baby.

Carissa
“I knew from the beginning of my pregnancy that I should place the child up for adoption. But it was hard, HARD, HARD!”

Rhonda
“I kept questioning myself. Was I taking the easy way out? Was I just fooling myself? Was this God’s best for my baby?”

Carissa and Rhonda, at ages 17 and 19, respectively, faced the same dilemma—an unplanned pregnancy. Granted, there are cases when babies are removed from a birth mother due to her inability to provide care or her irresponsible behavior. But many “able” young mothers facing an unplanned pregnancy must evaluate their support system, determine the best interests of this new little life, and then, before God, determine if they will tackle parenting or place the child in a loving adoptive family. One expert has said, “It may take greater love and sacrifice to place a child than to parent.” Maybe some questions cross your mind—or your lips. Isn’t the mother taking the easy way out? Shouldn’t she bear the consequences for her sin? God can use an unplanned pregnancy, even an unwanted pregnancy, for His glory and His purposes—for the birth mother, the birth father, and the baby. Does not God delight in redeeming that which we view as hopeless?

Rhonda and Carissa

Carissa
“I connected with and loved my baby even before he was born. I understood that my pregnancy was a result of sin and my irresponsibility. Learning of God’s forgiveness and love for me, I knew this was my chance to be responsible again.

“Because I loved him so much, I knew I had to sacrifice my personal desire to be with him in order to provide for him. At the time, there was little guarantee that I could provide what I wanted for him—emotional support, material needs, and, in particular, a father.

“I couldn’t transfer the parenting responsibility to my mom for a few years, hoping I’d grow up and then take back the reins of my responsibility.”

So how do these birth mothers do it? God has obviously enabled them to demonstrate extreme sacrificial love and selflessness. They do this courageous thing in the face of pressure to please themselves or others.

Rhonda
“I can honestly say I don’t remember any time in my Christian walk when God’s presence and my faith were any stronger.”

Carissa
“It was the most difficult thing I have ever done, but God gave me a calm confidence and so much peace in the middle of it all—it was even difficult to explain to others. I can’t imagine going through the placement process without a relationship with God.”

Besides God’s gift of salvation, Scripture relates many stories of sacrifice motivated by love. At first, Moses’ mother may have appeared irresponsible by floating him in a basket along the banks of the Nile. In fact, love for her son motivated her unusual plan to save his life (Exodus 2).

And what of the new mother who cried out to Solomon as he prepared to “divide” the newborn between her and another woman claiming to be the mother? “Filled with compassion for her son [the woman] said to the king, ‘Please, my lord, give her the living baby! Don’t kill him!’” (1 Kings 3:26). A loving mother is one who, if necessary, can “give away” her right to motherhood in order to give the kind of life to her child that she cannot provide.

As if making this courageous decision isn’t enough, birth moms who place for adoption are required to revisit that decision several times before it becomes reality.

There is the reality check that comes when adoptive parents are chosen. “Am I abandoning my child?”

Other well-meaning advisors and loved ones may not want to give up the role of grandparent, aunt, or babysitting friend. Sometimes they advise out of their own guilt, fear, or lack of information.

Carissa
“At first, I remember worrying about choosing the right adoptive parents, but then I experienced God’s leading and real confidence. I had the joy of influencing my son by selecting a Christian family.”

Rhonda
“I remember my concern and doubt when I considered my son being an only child in his newly adopted family. The doubt returned later when I learned that the adoptive parents now had two more biological children. Would my child be treated fairly?”

When the baby is born, the birth mother must buck against that God-given instinct to mother and protect. There is an emotional and physical bonding that must become temporary. At the same time, there is a rush of hormones intended to support God’s design.

Last moments and goodbyes before the baby is placed in the care of his or her new parents are important and usually planned carefully and lovingly. But, these are usually painful moments for the birth mother.

Then there are various requirements by state, such as a waiting period of three days before the birth mom can sign over her parental rights. Even after parental rights are signed away, most states allow additional days in which the birth mother can rescind her decision, and often an additional court notification or appearance is required. At any of these points, many of us would run from our commitment to place the baby. We’d stop the process, numb the pain of separation, and grab for the security and love offered at the moment.

Those experienced in the adoption process know that if a birth mother is to make it through all of these pressure points and be healthy in the years to come, she will need support and a full understanding of both adoption and parenting alternatives. A birth mother must also be coached and prepared for the grief process that follows placement—a process much like experiencing the death of a child or loved one.

Carissa
“Holidays were hard, but every month it got a little easier.”

Rhonda
“I had some ups and downs. Things are great now, but I was in a fog for the first few years—I didn’t connect with the help I needed to process and heal.”

What is the life desired for the child? Is the decision to place based on facts or fears? As the years go by, a birth mom’s emotional health depends on her ability to look back on her decision with confidence, ownership, and peace rather than guilt or regret.

While each adoption is a special story of God’s work in the lives of people, birth mothers who carefully and purposefully place their children for adoption should be supported and affirmed. They have sacrificed for their child from a heart of love! They are truly courageous.

Carissa’s and Rhonda’s sons are now three years old and ten years old, respectively, and are happily growing in their adoptive families.

(Mark McDougal is the executive director of Ruth Harbor, a Christ-centered home and program for young women facing unplanned pregnancies. Counselors and staff assist residents in thinking through the all-important question of parenting or placing. For information about Ruth Harbor, call 515-279-4661 or visit www.ruthharbor.org.)